she looked like the before picture.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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