Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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