What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
