I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
