Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
