Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
