I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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