Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.