my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
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btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
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his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked