the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.