i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.