I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
