yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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