i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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