just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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