It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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