He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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