sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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