I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
