I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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