When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
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I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
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I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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