I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
