Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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