I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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