Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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