The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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