On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
