Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
