Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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