epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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