i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
