just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Randomize
