I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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