why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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