My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
