Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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