My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
