There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
