Moan for me like Helen Keller
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
