I met the friendliest cop last night
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
