please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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