I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He did a backflip because drugs
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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