Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
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we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
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you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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