he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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