You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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