considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
