I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
