a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
