Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
