just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
