my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
