just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
