if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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