I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
